


everyone dies in their nightmares

by junxouji



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Depression, M/M, References to Depression, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-03
Updated: 2017-09-03
Packaged: 2018-12-23 05:46:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11983428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junxouji/pseuds/junxouji
Summary: Taeyong cannot see what Jaehyun does. At least, notyet.





	everyone dies in their nightmares

**Author's Note:**

> drunken rambles late at night i will probably regret when i reread in the morning.

"Beside you I do not feel so terribly alone, you know." 

 

It was the first indication that Jaehyun should run. His bright eyes take in the slight of hallowed bones gaunt from hunger for happiness, lips thin and cracked, and a voice that seems lackluster. Jaehyun wants to grab the bottle Taeyong is currently sipping from to save him from that sinking ship but he does not have the heart to tell the other male the drink is not his life preserve. Instead, he sits watching warily on the verge of jumping up any time Taeyong looks a little afloat. 

 

Jaehyun had learned fairly quickly that people that had misery tattooed in their gazes couldn't be saved by mere well-wishing. They had to  _ want _ it. Taeyong, despite Jaehyun's efforts, seemed content with his misery. That seemed like the worst way to exist- with sadness and that fear of falling head first into your own abyss. Every word was Taeyong asking to be saved and to not leave him alone yet Taeyong did not step any step closer to Jaehyun. As if, he didn't believe he was worth anything else.

 

"Taeyong-hyung, is there something bothering you?" The way Jaehyun asks so hesitantly makes Taeyong hate himself for doing this so often. It seemed to be a pattern between them but Jaehyun never gave up on him. Perhaps it's why Taeyong leaned so heavily against him. He wish he didn't. 

 

_ Oh god _ , how he wished it was any other way than this. Taeyong was quite aware he did not deserve Jaehyun's patience and care. Not someone like him who has so much grim on him from past mistakes and regrets. How could he begin to even tell Jaehyun  _ why _ he was like this? He didn't even know himself. He just knew there was this insufferably big pit when Jaehyun was not around and he was so fucking scared one day he’d wake up to Jaehyun not being there. What would hold Taeyong together when Jaehyun opened his eyes to realize he was not worth it anymore?

 

Irrational fears for an irrational mind, perhaps.

 

For Taeyong, it made absolute sense for Jaehyun to wake up from his rose-tinted fantasy he had of him. Taeyong was a miserable person with miserable people tendencies. There was nothing romantic, glorious, or admirable about it. His anger came and spiked at times where he felt like he couldn’t control it. His jealousy -  _ oh _ his jealousy if someone even hinted towards fancying Jaehyun. He understood why. Jaehyun was everything Taeyong couldn’t be: he was kind, understanding, smart, friendly, and hard-working. He excelled at everything he was tasked to do because he had an outstanding worth ethic. Taeyong could not help but feel like another thing Jaehyun was desperately trying to fix and did not want to fail no. (An unfair assumption since Taeyong was very much putting himself in this position.) 

 

There would always be the fear Jaehyun would want  _ better _ when he came to terms with the fact Taeyong was far from even good much less to ever be considered  _ the best _ for him.

 

“I am just wondering how long this is going to last.” Taeyong murmurs.

 

“ _ Hyung _ .” Jaehyun pleads. He knows where this will go. 

 

Another argument because Jaehyun won’t leave and Taeyong won’t try to stay.

 

“When will you get tired of me? When will I be too much for you? When will you want more?” Taeyong comtemplates over his beer aloud.

 

It is what finally makes Jaehyun move. He pushes forward moving aside the bottle as his hands reach to Taeyong’s beautifully broken face. There is something so scary there. The eyes remain glazed over, faint scent of alcohol humming in the air between them, refusing to meet Jaehyun’s because those kind brown eyes would be able to break him. 

 

He is falling. He is falling and he knows Jaehyun cannot catch him. This ice has built over such a long period of time burying it’s way in his chest until everything he spills out is indifference. Nothing the other can say or do warms that spot. It burns from it’s ice bite, suffocating him. Taeyong wants to feel normal again like there is not a weight crushing on his lungs. It is  _ so _ scary to be on the edge of his sanity knowing that one more step and even Jaehyun won’t be able to drag him back. He wants to be able to breathe without those thorns pricking at his sides.

 

He wants to love Jaehyun without being exhausted in return.

 

He wants to feel worthy of him.

 

Taeyong pushes those gentle hands away hating how Jaehyun cannot even touch him in the ways he deserves, He takes a sharp breathe refusing to allow the panic to bubble up but it is too late. He feels it coming. He always does.

 

“I don’t feel the same about you anymore.” Taeyong bites out feeling the pains erupt right after the words leave his lips. He wants to take it back but he doesn’t. His pride matters  _ more _ .

 

“Taeyong, you’re not in your right mind you’ve been drinking.” Jaehyun’s voice is strained as he pushes his hands back against his face, “Nothing you say to me is going to push me away. Quit trying and do not overanalyze why I love you. Just know that I do and it doesn’t need to make sense to you.”

 

Taeyong wants to do something. To snap. To slap sense into him. What was fucking left to love? Everything in him has rotted. Everything left was desperate to merely survive. His insides felt like dust and his heart felt like a wavering tree in a hurricane wondering how hard the wings have to be for him to be uprooted? 

 

What was left to love?

 

“Taeyong,  _ please _ . Do not question it. Just let me continue to love you. Give me what you can and I will wait for what you cannot. It’s going to be alright. I will carry you to something better if I have to. Just do not push me away like this.”

 

Taeyong sinks into himself fingers coming to his hair to tug. He’s hurt him. He’s hurt him and he doesn’t know why Jaehyun can still look at him in the same way he always has -- like Taeyong is the most important person in his life. What has he done to warrant this? Karma was surely skewed. 

 

“It does not need to make sense. It’s love, Taeyong. Maybe one day you’ll see it how I do when you’re well again. No matter what I will do all I can to get you to that point where you can see how worthy  _ you _ are to be loved.”


End file.
